October 25, 2012

Letter to my brandi


Dear sweet ladycat brandi, my angel,
I miss you.  We filled in each other a rather empty heart to overflowing. I had someone to love, and I had unconditional love given back to me. And that, ladies and gentlemen and kitties and woofies is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WHOLE WORLD.
I miss the little things. You waiting impatiently for your morning Denties while I did my meds and my shot and my levels. You standing by your dishes if I forgot them (I know, never let the bottom of the bowl of crunchies look empty—even though you ate that part first). Your little face turned up and your sniffing the air when I cooked. Your absolute delight in ham pizzas, bless you, and the paw on my arm to remind me that you were waiting for something while I was on the computer. Either making sure I was blogging, wanting a cuddle break, or wanting some Denties (you hussy, you). And your making the rounds of the apartment making sure everything was okay. Little things. And of course demanding your nighttime Denties not once but twice a night (and you got them, didn’t you)!

Yesterday I had to sign my new lease, and I met the manager in the hallway waiting for the elevator going downstairs to the community room where we were to get our leases signed and our new keys for our locks. I told him you were gone. He was very sympathetic. Did I want my deposit back? Somehow I answered no. And he was amazed that you were 19. He was so nice about it.
Remember that nasty landlord in our old apartment? What a difference!
You were with me for so long, and endured so much with me.  I was happily working at the university when my office mate directed me to a library cartoon site (she was studying for her library degree and knew I had a background in library science myself). From there I found Max, the Psycho Kitty and we were off and running. Catitude was born. And you were fun to write about.
We went through unemployment. And money problems. And a loving blog community ready to help. And moving finally to this apartment. And remodeling.  And my heart attack (the first thing I demanded was that someone take care of you while I was away). And my crazy new job and then finally staying at home.  I think you liked that part.  You got to be with me a lot more. You missed having a window ledge to sit on, and the birds and the neighborhood squirrel from our old apartment, so I suppose your entertainment became ME. And lots of naps.
You got older and older, and started having some problems.  The last year you started sleeping with me. You never used to even sleep in the same room with me, and now you were on the bed! And as you got older and older, you started creeping up from the bottom of the bed to lay next to me. I was so pleased! You loved the daybed. You OWNED it.
Did you remember you didn’t eat out of my hand for the longest time? I was so happy when you finally trusted me enough to take food from my fingers! It was such a gift to me!
When you got stiffer and stiffer and started to lose weight, I knew.  When you missed the litter box all the time, I knew.  When your nose got whiter and whiter, I knew. And when you started to stumble, chills went through me and I knew.
We talked.  I told you how dear you were. I told you I love you (well, I told you that every day). How sad it was that you were getting on in years. I knew. And it hurt. You needed to say goodbye.  And I did, too.
When you stumbled around the last few days, and stroked, I couldn’t see letting you suffer any more. I knew.
I told you thank you for your love.  Thank you for your life.  Thank you for everything. And that I didn’t want you to hurt any more.
I decided you would go over the Bridge in your own home. MNpets was called. Jennifer was understanding and so kind, and so sweet to you and to me. You were given a sedative and fell asleep in my arms. I kissed your ears and called you my sweet kitty. Then, when you were falling into a deep sleep, I could feel you purr. I think you were happy you couldn’t feel the pain, and you could sleep so comfortably. And in your mommy’s arms. Then, you were given another injection and slowly your heart stopped.
I think my world stopped, too. I find myself crying over silly simple things you did that I remember. I miss your paw on my arm, your sweet demand for Denties. I miss all of you. And so, every so often, I burst into tears. I'm sorry. I just miss you.
We were meant to be together from day one. Remember, you took one look at me at that adoption event and your paw went out of the cage you were in, and you meowed and meowed? And when I finally agreed to see you, you crawled up my arm and snuggled under my chin with the sweetest little purr. You got me. I was your mommy. And that was that.
When other cats I was adopted by ran away to the Bridge, I needed time to mourn.  This time, I think you are telling me that I need to fill some other little kitty’s heart with love. And soon.
So life will go on, and I hope a sweetie will come live with me. You’ll see to that, won’t you? I don’t think you want me to be alone. I don’t want to be alone.
Somehow, somewhere, you are looking for someone who needs a mommy like me. I am grateful.  The blogging community will welcome who ever it is. Catitude will go on. The world will start again.
I will always keep you in my heart. But my heart is big enough for another kitty.
Your ashes will be in an urn right next to Suki. Top of the bookcase, looking down at your mama. I just have to find the right urn. And be able to afford it. Your ashes will be with me soon. Your spirit is, already.
I love you, my brandi candi. My sweet girl.
Carol  

38 comments:

Princess Jasmine said...

Mummy says she knew she shouldn't have read this at work. She so totally knows how you feel and how much you miss Brandi. She was the same when Figgy (he lived with Simba before I came along) went to the rainbow bridge. He too fell asleep in her arms and she says that was so much nicer for both of them than the sterile rooms of the vet. I came along pretty soon afterwards to help fill the gap and mummy says I have done a great job at doing that. We hope you find a new kitty to share your love with as soon as you are ready. My mummy started my bloggy after reading another kitties blog at work. You know where she works? A library. And, guess what else? Her name is Carol too. We send you all our love and hugs xxxx

Rene said...

What a wonderful tribute to Brandi. Nineteen years is an amazing life for a cat, and you will always have those special memories. She will "send" you another kitty when the time is right. We send soft purrs to you in the meantime.

FURKIDSMOM said...

A beautiful tribute to a very special friend. We're glad you are open to another kitty. We know Brandi will send you the right one.

We bought a photo urn for Tamir from Bogati urns. I like the idea of seeing his sweet face whenever I look at it. They sell on ebay but their website has the same prices. http://bogatiurns.com/buybogati/index.php?main_page=index&cPath=87

The Florida Furkids

Prancer Pie said...

Our Mommy is all leaky-eyed again. Our hearts our wif your sweet Mama during this difficult time. XOXOXO

Jan's Funny Farm said...

Such a lovely letter, Carol. I know you're hurting and the tears come so easily, but I'm glad you will have a new companion - whenever. They are such a comfort to us. {{{Hugs}}}
Jan

Nerissa said...

A lovely tribute for a very lovely girl. purrs

Brian said...

That is such a loving and beautiful letter to your sweet Brandi. I know, with all my heart, that she is looking for a love to send your way. Love and hugs from all of us.

Laila and Minchie said...

What a beautiful, heartwarming letter to a very special and much missed beautiful Brandi. Our thoughts and purrs are with you as you cope with this tremendous loss.

Nicola Carpenter said...

(((hugs))))

The Paw Relations

Grr, Midnight & Cocoa said...

Such a sweet and loving letter to a wonderful ladycat. We're so happy you two had each other for so long, and we know that when Brandi finds just the right kitty, she will send him/her to you. Purrs and love from all of us,
Grr, Midnight & Cocoa
Rascal & Riley
Max
Karen (the Lady)

The Lee County Clowder said...

Comforting purrrrrayers to Momma Carol. Fare well, sweet Brandi.

Cathy Keisha said...

OMCC! TW is so leaky eyed, she can't find the keys on the keyboard. That was beautiful. I can only hope I'm remembered this way someday. O no, TW is thinking of Nicky again.

michico*Adan said...

Big hugs and purrs for you :(

Cotton said...

It is the most precious thing in the world, I agree.
I still am in shock from the news but it was right for you to end her suffering <3 she will be in memory forever
Cotton

T. Gray said...

Such a wonderful tribute to a sweet, precious little companion. You obviously loved each other for the 19 years, which is a wonderful thing.
Thank you for giving us a window on Brandi's world and hoping a new companion eventually comes your way.

The Meezers or Billy said...

what a beautiful tribute MomCarol. We know that Brandi will send you another furball to help you and we can't wait for that day. we know Brandi will always always be with you. we love you!!!

dArtagnan Rumblepurr/Diego Hamlet Moonfur said...

A beautiful tribute, and we're so sorry for your loss. Brandi will always be in your heart. Fly high sweet girl.

Khyra And Sometimes Her Mom said...

I khan imagine the letter Brandi has posted on her Rainbow Bridge blog fur woo!

She'll always be there - as you will always be with her -

Hugz&Khysses,
Khyra
PeeEssWoo: Too bad woo aren't khloser to Ilie-noy - I think one of the nice Chrystal Lady's khats would be purrrrrrrfekht!

Katie Isabella said...

My mommy knows how you feel. She still misses Admiral so badly but I came to heal her heart and make it stronger till we all meet again. Brandi loved you and was deeply loved. That is what mattered the most to her. xox

ZOOLATRY said...

So touchingly beautiful, Carol ...
purrs and prayers continue to wind their way from us to you,
Hugs,
Maggy and Zoey (and Ann)
PS did you receive our email?

Colehaus Cats said...

Beautiful words for a beautiful companion. We are sending you soft purrs and nuzzles and hope peace finds you.

Everycat said...

Carol, what a beautiful and heartfelt tribute to sweet Brandi. These furry little souls who share their beautiful lives and wisdom with us, never really leave us. They are always within our hearts..

Sending love to you and rumbly purrs

Gerry, Mungo & Jane xx

Big Piney Woods Cats said...

Our Lady Patches sent Miracle to us! She (Miracle) even has the calicotude that Patches had. Our Patches did good, she sent us a real treasure. Patches will always remain in our hearts.

Need I Say Meow said...

This is a beautiful post to remember a beautiful kitty. I am very sorry to hear of your loss. You were lucky to have each other for so long.

Love and purrs

ABBY said...

Carol
What a beautiful loving tribute to a very special kitty. Both you and Brandi were so fortunate to have had each other for so long. Her memory will always be in your heart to cherish and in her honor we know that one day when your heart is ready a new kitty will welcome you home.

((Brandi))
(Carol)

purrs
>^,,^<
✿•*¨`*•. ♥Abby♥Boo♥Ping♥Jinx♥Grace♥✿•*¨`*•.

DKM said...

Oh Carol - We've just been catching up on our blog reader. We are so sorry to hear that Brandi has gone to the bridge. She was one of oldest and dearest friends. I hope she has hooked up with Orlando Bun and our other friends at the bridge.

Michelle (DKM) and Fiona Bun

Shaggy and Scout said...

My Dear Carol,
I am so sorry to hear this. Between physical therapy on my shoulder, integrating Patches into the house and now being sick for a week I have not done my visiting as per usual.
My heart goes out to you my friend. A beloved companion, closer to you than anyone else in this world, Brandi had a heart of gold. Your sweet lady cat, dearest of all through thick and thin, good times and bad, always there for you. A steady rock when all else was falling down around you.
Her beautiful spirit will be with you forever. I know that my Scooby has met up with that dear girl at the Rainbow Bridge. Two Twin Cities cats now enjoying the eternal sun and luxurious green grass with all their blogging friends who have gone before.
((((HUGS))) Lynne

Max said...

That was really, really beautiful, an eloquence totally worthy of the awesomeness of Brandi. And I'm glad your heart already knows it needs for the shadows and holes to be filled with fur sooner rather than later.

yuki and rocket said...

what beautiful words for such a beautiful cat. I haven't been very active in the blogging world this last month and i can't believe i missed all of what has happened. i am so sorry for this horrible loss. our pets are our family and it's just as hard to have to let go of them as it would be any human family member. it's been a while since i had to let go of my two chihuahuas. it still hurts to think of it, but now that time has passed i look on the good memories mostly and laugh at what we went through, and silly things they did. one day it'll be easier to look back at brandi and feel mostly good about it.

melissa

Tillie and Georgia said...

Purrfect remembrance to a beautiful kitty. We felt the same way when Mickey went to the Bridge. He also started to sleep with me as he got older.
We think about you often and hope you are doing OK. We miss your lovely Brandi too.

Hugs, Nancy
Purrs Tillie and Georgia,
Tiger,Treasure,JJ and Julie

Spitty-the-Kitty said...

Just a little story for you: When my last kitty, Clarkie, had to be helped to the Bridge, he was the second and last of my two Big Boy Bruiser Brothers. I came home to an empty house. After just a few days, I couldn't stand the loneliness, and I knew I needed a kitty to love. As it turned out, my vet had a litter of feral kitties who needed homes, and so I adopted Spitty.

I was feeling kind of bad and guilty for not waiting "long enough," and thinking I might be being "disrespectful" to Clarkie. But the vet told me, "Just the opposite. You are honoring his memory because he showed you how much love and companionship a kitty brings to your life--he taught you that lesson so well that you now you don't want to be without that kind of love." He also said, This kitten NEEDS you.

His words have stayed with me. I know some people need a longer mourning period -- I completely respect that. But of course, I did mourn Clarkie; I just didn't have to do it alone. Best wishes on whatever you decide. I hope your Brandi leads you to your new kitty soon.

brandi said...

I'm hoping, too. It's too quiet around here. brandi better be doing some serious looking! There's definitely a kitty out there who needs me as much as I need a kitty. brandi needed me, and she lived the longest of all my kitties. I think that was my reward for getting adopted by her.

savannahspawtracks.com said...

We had to wait a bit before Mom was ready to leave a comment. It is now just a bit past one year since Mom and Dad lost the last of their 3 fur kids before me. They swore "no more"...we are too old (65 and 69)...and then 2 months later they met me, and offered to give me a foster home. They saved my life and I have saved theirs...Jan 3 2012 I got my furrever home, I was about 4 or so years old. We are a family. You will find your way through your loss but purrlease be open to the possibility that another kitty may be on that path. Paw pats, Savannah and Mom and Dad

meowmeowmans said...

Carol, I'm typing this with tears in my eyes. Thank you for loving Brandi so much, and so well. Surely she will bring you another kitty to love, and you will know when she does.

Hugs, purrs and prayers.

Timmy Tomcat said...

That was beautiful. We are sending purrs of support.
Timmy and Family

Sherlock, Ash and Traveler said...

That was a beautiful tribute to Sweet Brandi. It warmed our hearts but Mom and us started to get leaky eyes. We miss you Brandi :'(

Mr. Hendrix said...

Oh my dear Carol. We are so so sorry for your loss. We've been terrible "boyfriend cat" and friends these past few months. We often thought of you both and sent you positive thoughts and good feelings, but somehow never blogged them.

You are in our thoughts and prayers and Lord knows we will miss our dear Brandi so much. We're sorry we haven't visited this week.

You were so in our thoughts this week and now we know why. As soon as we opened your blog, we knew. Our hearts and thoughts are with you. Dear Brandi, we know you'll bring your mommy a new fur kid when she is ready, but we'll never ever forget you.

You've been such a special part of our lives, our blog and our hearts. We will be around more for your mommy whenever she needs us. (((Hugs))) to you dear Carol.

Katie and Glogirly said...

This is so beautiful, Carol. Thank you for sharing your special love with all of us. We are so very sorry for your loss...but our hearts fill with joy reading of the love you shared with your sweet brandi.

We hope you find a sweet kitty that needs you.
(((purrs)))
Glogirly & Katie